I remember sitting in Church one Sunday morning, after a long night of partying (I was probably about 20 at the time). I don't know if I had even been to bed yet. But I was doing what I thought was the right thing and since I was still living at home with my mom, I didn't want to hear it about not going. So, I was sitting in church this particular Sunday and there was this old priest (originally from Poland, I believe) filling in for the regular one. I remember him going on and speaking about all these evil doers (he might not have called them evil doers, but that was the gist of it). This surprised me, as the Catholic church is usually more mellow than some of the other Christian religions. He was talking about people who smoked marijuana (me), Gay people (my friends), Drinkers (more friends) these were just a few of the people he was talking about in negative (people who are going to hell if they don't confess) way. I knew all priests aren't so horribly judgemental (or at least not openly, so), but as I sat there, ears practically bleeding, I knew that it would be my last time at that church. After all, "what would Jesus do"? "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" is what I kept thinking. I can't stand hypocrisy.
I would make at least one feeble attempt to reclaim my religion, like a lot of people do, at a low point in my life a year or so later. I was really down after a relationship breakup, after drinking a little too much cough syrup, I thought I was losing my mind and my grip on reality. I even thought the Klu Klux Klan was coming to get me once (why they would want a whitey like me, is another question altogether). So in the midst of losing my mind, first I got a pet, then I thought I should return to church. I wouldn't go back to that old church, however! I was going to try another Catholic church in town. So on my way to the vet, my kitten and I stopped at the church. I don't think they were thrilled when I carried a kitten in with me, but they signed me up anyway, and I became their newest member. They took a picture of me (and my kitten) to hang on their new member board. I never did show up to their church, however. I laugh about it every time I think about it (who goes to sign up for church with their kitten?)!
I've come a long way since those crazy days. I've taken up a healthier natural approach to life and my happiness. I don't even take cough syrup for my cough. And I don't smoke anything anymore, not that I am opposed to it (its nicer for my lungs, I figure). I've pondered, philosophized, theorized, and rationalized. What have I concluded? I don't believe in God the way I used to. Instead, I believe myself to be a goddess capable of far more than I had imagined. I believe I am part of an ultimate universe of Love which all things are apart of. Some may call that God, but I prefer Universe. My God (Universe) doesn't condemn. Its all about love. There is no fear or fiery hell (a scary bed time story told to make us behave). Its all love, baby, and I find I am so much happier since I have shed that fear.
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